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58 Seriously Messed Up Jokes You’ll Feel Guilty Laughing At

Sometimes, humor gets out of control and crosses the offensive line. You know the situation we are talking about:

A person tells a messed-up joke, and everybody looks at them surprised, maybe even disgusted. Why on Earth would they say such a twisted or dirty thing? Naturally, the audience or the timing wasn’t right, or the topic of their joke perhaps isn’t a laughing matter (if such topics exist).

At other times, you just need to accept that you are an adult, and you can enjoy some inappropriate, messed up jokes without feeling guilty or filthy.

In these situations, you can always count on us. We won’t judge, but we will make you laugh. For that reason, here’s a list of some jokes so messed up they’ll have you howling with laughter.

You may want to share them with someone but proceed with caution. So without further ado, let’s get into it!

Funny Messed Up Jokes

1. Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight.

Unless you’re prepared for the reaper-cushions.

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2. What was David Bowie’s last hit?

When you think about it, probably heroin.

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3. Unfortunately, my dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard to do so without him.

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4. What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader.

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5. Why did the man miss the funeral?

He really wasn’t a mourning person.

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6. I hope Death is a woman.

That way, it will never come for me.

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7. Priest: Do you have any last requests?

Murderer sitting in the electric chair: Yes. Would you mind holding my hand?

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8. My grief counselor died.

He was so good; I don’t even care.

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9. Tombstone engraving: I TOLD you I was sick!

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10. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

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11. Patient: Oh doctor, I’m starting to forget things.

Doctor: Since when have you had this condition?

Patient: What condition?

—–

12. DentistThis will hurt a little.

Patient: OK.

Dentist: I’m having an affair with your wife.

—–

13. Patient recently diagnosed with cancer: How much time do I have left?

Doctor: Ten.

Patient: Months? Weeks? Days?

Doctor: …Nine, eight…

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14. Patient: Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?

Doctor: To the morgue.

Patient: What? But I’m not dead yet!

Doctor: And we’re not there yet.

—–

15. It’s sad how my friend got his medical license revoked for sleeping with a patient.

He was a great vet.

—–

16. Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. You know, this is my first operation.

Doctor: Oh, we are in this together. It’s my first time too.

—– 

17. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on technology. So I unplugged his life support.

—–

18. The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years.

Problem solved.

More Hilarious Messed Up Jokes

Funny messed-up jokes.

19. What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

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20. How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

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21. How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Apparently, more than seven, because my basement is still dark.

—–

22. Why can’t you get a book on how to commit suicide at a library?

You wouldn’t bring it back.

—–

23. What do alcoholics and amputees have in common?

They are both legless.

—–

24. What’s the difference between a sex offender and a pimple?

A pimple waits till you’re 12 to come on your face.

—–

25. Why do men find it difficult to solve puzzles after taking Viagra?

Because they just keep getting harder and harder.

—–

26. What makes sad people jump?

Bridges.

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27. What is the difference between my girlfriend and an umbrella?

Only one of them ever gets wet.

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28. Why doesn’t Kurt Cobain have a driver’s license?

He prefers to ride shotgun.

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29. What do 15-year-old boys and washing machines have in common?

They both like keeping one sock for themselves.

—–

30. How do you know you’re ugly?

If you always get handed the camera for group photos.

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31. Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital?

Just stand in the middle of a busy road.

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32. Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school?

Because he’s dead.

—–

33. What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer.

—–

34. A man and a woman are walking through the woods at night when the woman says: I’m scared.

How do you think I feel? – the man replies – I have to walk back alone.

—–

35. How do you make a baby cry?

Drop it.

How do you make a baby stop crying?

Drop it again.

—–

36. What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

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37. My grandpa has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

—–

38. Grandma: Most people your age are married by now. Why aren’t you?

Me: Most people your age are dead by now, why aren’t you?

Even More Jokes You Should Keep to Yourself

Inappropriate messed up jokes.

39. What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese.

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40. I had a crush on my teacher, which was confusing because I was homeschooled.

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41. What’s the difference between a baby and a potato?

About 140 calories.

—–

42. Why is it that people love you if you donate a kidney, but if you donate five kidneys, they call the police?

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43. What’s the special in a restaurant for cannibals?

Heads, shoulders, knees, and toes.

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44. Son: Dad, did you get the DNA test results back?

Dad: Call me George.

—–

45. In New York, someone gets mugged every ten seconds.

Poor guy.

—–

46. Life is like a peepee – often hard for no reason.

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47. Why did the old man fall in the well?

Because he couldn’t see that well.

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48. Where did Sharon go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

—–

49. I love telling jokes about orphans.

What are they going to do, tell their parents?

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50. Dark humor is like food.

Not everyone gets it.

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51. When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back.

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52. Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven is a sex offender.

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53. I childproofed my house, but somehow they still got in!

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54. What’s better than winning gold at the Paralympics?

Walking.

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55. My wife and I have decided we don’t want children.

The only problem is we already have three.

—–

56. For sale: parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.

—–

57. Wife: I want another baby.

Husband: That’s a relief. I also really don’t like this one.

—–

58. Why don’t cannibals eat comedians?

Because they taste funny!

Your Turn

We hope you’ve enjoyed our list and got a few guilty (or not) laughs along the way! Now, let’s hear it from you:

Which of these messed up jokes was your favorite? Do you have another which you would like to add to our list?

We can’t wait to read your comments!

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