We think you will agree with us when we say:
A joke is always a bit funnier when it has a dirty side.
For that reason, we have put together the ultimate list of our favorite dirty jokes that you probably shouldn’t be telling to just about anyone. Make sure to remember your favorites, pick the appropriate occasion, and make your friends laugh like they haven’t done in weeks.
We have split the list into a few different categories so that you can skip around to your favorite types of jokes easily. We will give you the best:
- dirty puns,
- sex jokes,
- knock-knock jokes,
- one-liners, etc.
We will even include some dirty jokes you can safely tell your kids! You name it – it’s on this list.
Let’s start right away!
As far as dirty jokes go, we can safely say that size doesn’t matter. *wink wink*
Here are our favorite picks:
I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.
Why didn’t Barbie ever get pregnant?
Because Ken always came in another box.
How do you make a pool table laugh?
Tickle its balls.
What do you get when you mix human DNA and goat DNA?
You get kicked out of the petting zoo.
What did Cinderella do when she reached the ball?
Did you know about the hole in the walls of houses in the nudist colony?
The police are looking into it.
What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
They are both meat substitutes.
Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
They couldn’t close his casket.
What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion?
It’s not what it looks like!
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why the fuck are you shaking? She’s going to eat me!
Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.
What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
About three inches.
What did one tampon say to the other?
Nothing. They are both stuck up cunts.
What is the difference between a prostitute and a 7-year-old?
You don’t know? You sick fuck.
Why do male squirrels swim on their back?
To keep their nuts dry.
What is the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that little thing?
Do you know why a witch never wears panties?
More grip on the broom.
The Funniest Dirty Puns
We hope you have enjoyed our picks so far! Let’s keep the list going with the best wordplay dirty jokes and puns.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One says to the other:
I can’t believe I blew fifty bucks in there.
What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral makes your whole day. Anal makes your hole weak.
Ever had sex while camping?
It’s fucking in-tents!
Girls on their periods always ovary act.
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard.
Lick me until ice cream.
In a lesbian relationship, which one cooks?
Neither, they eat out.
My dick is only six inches, but it smells like a foot.
A man and his family are staying at a hotel. The man asks the employee at the front desk if the porn is disabled.
No, it’s just regular porn, you sick fuck.
Having sex in elevators is great on so many levels.
Wildly Inappropriate Dirty Pick Up Lines
Sex jokes and awful pick up lines go hand in hand. That is why we had to share our favorite absurd dirty lines that you do not want to use anytime soon.
Nevertheless, we can always use a good laugh!
Are you a termite?
Cause you are about to have a mouth full of wood.
Are you my new boss?
Because you just gave me a raise.
Is your name winter?
Because you’ll be coming soon.
Are you a trampoline?
Because I want to bounce on you.
Is that a mirror in your pants?
Because I can see myself in them.
Let’s play carpenter! First, we’ll get hammered, and then I’ll nail you.
SFW Dirty Jokes (You May Even Tell Your Kids)
While most of the jokes here are not appropriate for anyone too young to hear them, you would be surprised to hear there are some “dirty” jokes that you can tell almost anywhere.
Here are our favorites:
An old married couple was in church one Sunday. The woman turns to her husband and says:
I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?
The husband replies:
Replace the battery in your hearing aid.
What do you call a country where everyone is pissed?
How do you help a constipated person?
You scare the shit out of them.
Why is love like a fart?
If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.
How does a duck fart?
With his ass-quack.
Now, we would love nothing more than to hear what you have to share with us.
What is your favorite dirty joke?
Let us hear it in the comments below!