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65 Hilarious Christmas Cracker Jokes (The Ultimate List)

The shiny Christmas Crackers can put a smile on your face with the gifts or jokes they contain. The funnier the joke, the more pleasurable the experience is.

But you know what is funnier than a funny joke? A not-so-funny anti joke that is so bad, it makes you groan!

Here we have a mixture of best and worst Christmas Cracker jokes for you. Enjoy!

Christmas Cracker jokes

Funny Christmas Cracker Jokes

  1.  What did Santa do when he went speed dating?

He pulled a cracker.

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  1.  What is Dominic Cummings’ favourite Christmas song?

Driving Home for Christmas.

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  1.  How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey?

On the dark side!

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  1.  Did you hear that production was down at Santa’s workshop?

Many of his workers have had to elf isolate.

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  1.  What is the Grinch’s least favourite band?

The Who!

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  1.  Why didn’t Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem?

All Virgin flights were cancelled.

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  1.  How is Drake like an elf?

He spends all his time wrapping.

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  1.  Why are Santa’s reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve?

They have herd immunity.

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  1.  What do you get if Santa forgets to wear his undercrackers?

St Nickerless.

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  1.  Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown?

Because the “Arrrr!” rate had risen.

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  1.  Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?

Because their days are numbered!

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  1.  Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto?

Because eventually, it’s behind you.

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  1.  What’s a dog’s favourite carol?

Bark, the herald angels sing

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  1. Why couldn’t Mary and Joseph join their work conference call?

Because there was no Zoom at the inn.

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  1.  What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?

A Christmas Quacker!

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  1.  Why can’t Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute?

He doesn’t know how many tiers it should have.

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  1.  Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?

Beyon-sleigh!

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  1.  What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner?

They put on a super spread.

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  1.  Why has Boris Johnson bought mistletoe this year?

Because he’s tired of being in the single market!

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  1.  Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time?

Home Alone.

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  1.  What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?

Lost.

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  1.  How do you play Dominic Cummings Monopoly?

Ignore the rules, move anywhere on the board you like, and never Go To Jail.

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  1.  Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys?

Carbon footprints

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  1.  Why won’t Santa lose any presents this year?

He’s downloaded Sack and Trace.

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  1.  Which of Santa’s reindeer has the best moves?

Dancer!

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  1.  How is the pandemic like my stomach after Christmas?

It’ll take ages to flatten the curve.

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  1.  Why was the turkey in the pop group?

Because he was the only one with drumsticks!

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  1.  How is Prince Andrew coping with the stresses of Christmas this year?

Fine. No sweat.

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  1.  What do you get if you put a bell on a skunk?

Jingle smells.

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  1.  Why wasn’t Rudolph allowed to take part in vaccine trials?

Because they only wanted guinea pigs.

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  1.  I got a Christmas card full of rice in the post today…

I think it was from my Uncle Ben

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  1.  Which Government scheme supports Christmas dinner?

Eat Sprout To Help Out.

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  1.  How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

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  1.  How can you get out of talking to your boss at this year’s staff Christmas party?

Put him on mute.

More Christmas Cracker Jokes

  1.  Why don’t you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?

Because he has private elf care.

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  1.  How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he’s visited?

He keeps a logbook.

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  1. Why did the Grinch go to Bargain Booze?

He was searching for some holiday spirit.

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  1.  Who dresses in red and gives to the children this Christmas?

Marcus Rashford.

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  1.  What does Santa spend his wages on?

Jingle Bills.

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  1.  Why did Mary and Joseph have to travel to Bethlehem?

Because they couldn’t book a home delivery.

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  1. Why does Donald Trump have his Christmas dinner on a plastic plate?

He doesn’t get on with China.

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  1. What do snowmen wear on their heads?

Ice caps.

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  1. Why is Parliament like ancient Bethlehem?

It takes a miracle to find three wise men there

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  1. Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?

He was picking his nose

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  1. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

A mince spy.

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  1. What does Miley Cyrus have for her Christmas dinner?

Twerky.

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  1. Which Christmas carol is about an animal with three legs?

Little Wonkey.

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  1. What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

“It’s Christmas, Eve”.

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  1. What do you call a snowman who goes on Love Island?

A melt.

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  1. What do snowmen have for breakfast?

Snowflakes.

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  1. What do you call a snowman with a six pack?

An abdominal snowman.

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  1. What does Father Christmas do when his elves misbehave?

He gives them the sack.

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  1. What is Olivia Colman’s favourite part of a turkey?

The Crown.

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  1. Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party?

He had no body to go with.

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  1. Why did no-one bid for Rudolph and Dasher on eBay ?

Because they were two deer.

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  1. Why did the turkey cross the road?

Because he wasn’t chicken.

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  1. How can you tell if you are at a Brexit party this Christmas?

Because everyone wants to leave.

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  1. What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees? ?

Horn-aments!

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  1. How will Brexit affect Christmas dinner?

No Brussels.

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  1. What did the snowman say to the robin?

I have snow idea!

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  1. Why is Mrs Claus always checking Santa’s phone?

He seems to know where all the naughty girls live.

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  1. How did Scrooge win the football game?

The ghost of Christmas passed.

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  1. What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?

Rude-olph!

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  1. Where do snowmen keep their money?

In a snowbank.

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  1. Where would you find snowmen dancing?

At a snowball.

Your Turn!

Let’s keep up the holiday atmosphere with even more hilarious Christmas Cracker jokes. Please share your funniest picks with us in the comments down below.

Until next time!

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