The shiny Christmas Crackers can put a smile on your face with the gifts or jokes they contain. The funnier the joke, the more pleasurable the experience is.
But you know what is funnier than a funny joke? A not-so-funny anti joke that is so bad, it makes you groan!
Here we have a mixture of best and worst Christmas Cracker jokes for you. Enjoy!
Funny Christmas Cracker Jokes
- What did Santa do when he went speed dating?
He pulled a cracker.
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- What is Dominic Cummings’ favourite Christmas song?
Driving Home for Christmas.
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- How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey?
On the dark side!
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- Did you hear that production was down at Santa’s workshop?
Many of his workers have had to elf isolate.
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- What is the Grinch’s least favourite band?
The Who!
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- Why didn’t Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem?
All Virgin flights were cancelled.
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- How is Drake like an elf?
He spends all his time wrapping.
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- Why are Santa’s reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve?
They have herd immunity.
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- What do you get if Santa forgets to wear his undercrackers?
St Nickerless.
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- Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown?
Because the “Arrrr!” rate had risen.
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- Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?
Because their days are numbered!
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- Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto?
Because eventually, it’s behind you.
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- What’s a dog’s favourite carol?
Bark, the herald angels sing
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- Why couldn’t Mary and Joseph join their work conference call?
Because there was no Zoom at the inn.
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- What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!
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- Why can’t Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute?
He doesn’t know how many tiers it should have.
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- Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh!
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- What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner?
They put on a super spread.
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- Why has Boris Johnson bought mistletoe this year?
Because he’s tired of being in the single market!
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- Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time?
Home Alone.
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- What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
Lost.
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- How do you play Dominic Cummings Monopoly?
Ignore the rules, move anywhere on the board you like, and never Go To Jail.
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- Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys?
Carbon footprints
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- Why won’t Santa lose any presents this year?
He’s downloaded Sack and Trace.
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- Which of Santa’s reindeer has the best moves?
Dancer!
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- How is the pandemic like my stomach after Christmas?
It’ll take ages to flatten the curve.
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- Why was the turkey in the pop group?
Because he was the only one with drumsticks!
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- How is Prince Andrew coping with the stresses of Christmas this year?
Fine. No sweat.
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- What do you get if you put a bell on a skunk?
Jingle smells.
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- Why wasn’t Rudolph allowed to take part in vaccine trials?
Because they only wanted guinea pigs.
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- I got a Christmas card full of rice in the post today…
I think it was from my Uncle Ben
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- Which Government scheme supports Christmas dinner?
Eat Sprout To Help Out.
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- How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
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- How can you get out of talking to your boss at this year’s staff Christmas party?
Put him on mute.
More Christmas Cracker Jokes
- Why don’t you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?
Because he has private elf care.
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- How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he’s visited?
He keeps a logbook.
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- Why did the Grinch go to Bargain Booze?
He was searching for some holiday spirit.
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- Who dresses in red and gives to the children this Christmas?
Marcus Rashford.
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- What does Santa spend his wages on?
Jingle Bills.
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- Why did Mary and Joseph have to travel to Bethlehem?
Because they couldn’t book a home delivery.
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- Why does Donald Trump have his Christmas dinner on a plastic plate?
He doesn’t get on with China.
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- What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
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- Why is Parliament like ancient Bethlehem?
It takes a miracle to find three wise men there
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- Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?
He was picking his nose
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- Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.
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- What does Miley Cyrus have for her Christmas dinner?
Twerky.
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- Which Christmas carol is about an animal with three legs?
Little Wonkey.
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- What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
“It’s Christmas, Eve”.
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- What do you call a snowman who goes on Love Island?
A melt.
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- What do snowmen have for breakfast?
Snowflakes.
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- What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
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- What does Father Christmas do when his elves misbehave?
He gives them the sack.
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- What is Olivia Colman’s favourite part of a turkey?
The Crown.
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- Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party?
He had no body to go with.
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- Why did no-one bid for Rudolph and Dasher on eBay ?
Because they were two deer.
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Because he wasn’t chicken.
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- How can you tell if you are at a Brexit party this Christmas?
Because everyone wants to leave.
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- What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees? ?
Horn-aments!
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- How will Brexit affect Christmas dinner?
No Brussels.
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- What did the snowman say to the robin?
I have snow idea!
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- Why is Mrs Claus always checking Santa’s phone?
He seems to know where all the naughty girls live.
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- How did Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed.
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- What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
Rude-olph!
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- Where do snowmen keep their money?
In a snowbank.
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- Where would you find snowmen dancing?
At a snowball.
Your Turn!
Let’s keep up the holiday atmosphere with even more hilarious Christmas Cracker jokes. Please share your funniest picks with us in the comments down below.
Until next time!
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